Red Ledger
by flashwitch
Summary: Natasha's character study. Black Widow doesn't like to owe people. In Studied Avengers series.


**Red Ledger.**

******Natasha's character study. In the same vein as Hands free, Losing It, etc. **

**I actually found this the hardest to write, and I'm still not sure I got in Natasha's head. Any thoughts would be appreciated. **

* * *

Natasha doesn't like to owe people.

All of these things... none of these things... some of these things may be true. But the first rule of understanding Black Widow is understanding that you don't talk about Black Widow.

* * *

Her mother, before she dies, holds everything over Natasha's head. It's Natasha's fault her father left. It's Natasha's fault her mother is fat. It's Natasha's fault that they have no money. Natasha accepts it all. She sees it as her due. She's four years old and she doesn't know any better.

* * *

At the orphanage, they make it clear that she is there on sufferance. She owes them for the food in her mouth, the clothes on her back. She owes them for the roof over her head, and the education they are giving her. She's lucky, they say. Other children with no parents are out on the streets, they say. She should be grateful, they say.

She does whatever they ask of her to even the score. She's 6 years old.

* * *

When she's taken into the Black Widow programme, she's told that this is all for her. That the skills they're giving her will serve her well in the future. That without their help she'll end up just another useless orphan. Everybody has to serve their purpose, fulfil their potential. And they're going to help her do that. In return, they say, she could work for them. Just a few little jobs. Just to pay them back.

She's 12 years old.

* * *

She comes to with her head splitting and hands on the ropes at her wrists. She tries to struggle, but the slightest motion sends nails driving into her head.

"Stop it," a whisper in her ear, a voice she recognises. "I'm getting you out of here."

"Why?" she manages. They aren't allies. They aren't even close to being allies. In fact, the last time she saw him, she was chasing him across the rooftops a few months ago.

She'd failed to kill him.

"I need someone with your particular skill set. And I don't have time to train someone myself. If I get you out of here, I figure you owe me. Or I could just leave you here..."

"No!" It wasn't fear for herself exactly. But there was a mission to complete and she couldn't do that tied up and semi-conscious. "No. Please, get me out."

"Good girl," he stroked her cheek and then finished pulling her loose.

She's 20 years old, and she owes him her life.

* * *

He keeps coming back. He keeps putting her in his debt. When she's 21, he protects her from the police. When she's 22, he shoots a man who stabs her on a mission. When she's 23 he hands over the data she had been trying to find. Just like that. He could have held it over her. He could have leveraged it against her. But he didn't.

She tries to keep them balanced. She warns him when she hears he's got someone on his trail. She lets him know when his people are targeted. She saves that funny man in the suit for him. But he keeps tilting the scales in his favour.

* * *

"What do you want from me?!" She screams and he just smirks at her.

"I want you to live up to your potential." He says it so simply, like it's a self evident truth. She scoffs at him. She's already living up to her potential. She's the culmination of years of training. She is being her best. He smirks at her expression and continues. "I don't mean your potential as an assassin. I mean your potential as a human being. You could be so much more. You could be whatever you want."

She stares at him. Then she runs. She's 25.

* * *

Eventually she lets Clint bring her in, and the funny man in the suit is there. His name is Coulson and he asks all sorts of questions. Roofs are involved, and Budapest, but they don't talk about that. She's 26 years old and she's finally living. She knows she will never truly pay them back for that acceptance.

* * *

Tony doesn't keep track of anything. She kind of hates him for that. He's such a child. He gives so freely of himself. They each get a suite of rooms at the Tower. He pays for their meals. He buys them things he thinks they'd like (throwing stars, spy movies, he develops a new material for her body suits).

Clint tries to make it clear that he isn't keeping score either. She gave him his mind back, after all. But she can't stop seeing the tally marks in her head. She owes him so very much. He believed in her first... and well... she owes him for not telling him about Coulson right away.

She owes Steve for his trust. For the way he simply accepts. He doesn't see the tally marks, he's like Stark that way.

Bruce, now he does see the tallies. But she knows he thinks he owes her. She disagrees. They argue very quietly and politely, but they're never going to truly agree.

Thor, now he's her equal. She doesn't mean to seem like she's bragging, saying that she's equal to a god. It's just that they're on even footing from the start. She doesn't owe him. He doesn't owe her. They spar together sometimes.

* * *

She still has a lot of red on her ledger, debts that won't be wiped out. She killed so many. Did so many terrible things...

When they stop Loki, when they save the world, she thinks '_Is that enough? Am I done?'_ but she knows it will never be enough. There will always be red on her ledger. There are some things you can't just fix. Lives that can't be put back together.

* * *

She hates being in debt. She has too much on her books already. She hates to owe people. Wouldn't you?


End file.
